Life is funny

T.G.I.F and I got a paycheck. I am trying to concentrate on the positive things because three days later my blood is still boiling. Rob is a little b@+_÷ and he deserves to be smacked. Then the anger that I feel cause I allowed him to draw me into his craziness. I knew he was a drama queen. But also mad cause I led him. Not wanted to get back with him. See its something about the two C'suy
that I love. Cufflinks and Cologne are me thing. So come to think of it could he my fixation with that that I mistook for something else. But putting that aside, what do I do now that I wanna punch him in the face. I find my self picturing the ultimate beat down and when he looks at me with those crazy eyes and say why??? I simply respond you know why!!! But that not gonna happen, not cause its impossible to arrange, I could do it myself but I am a christian now so thats outta the question. Then why cant I get it outta my mind.... I had been doing so good living drama free since the funeral. That drama wasn't even my fault, funerals make people crazy and they were crazy to begin with. But this dude drags me into his affair, people get slapped for stuff like that. Then part of me feel bad for dude cause obviously his self esteem is jacked, he sneaking around with somebody else's chick. I know many don't understand my reasoning for not wanting to kick the chick, but it's against my policy. I decided long ago that I would hold the person who I was dealing with responsible. Now, it is true that this ideology is a holdover from my teenage days but it still applies. How you gon be mad at somebody you don't know.
. Of course they gon snake you. But always hold accountable the one you know.

I Am tired

Happyuy Monday....
I am dog tired, like I cant even thinstraiuyght and I have a 14 page paper due wednesday. The only thing keeping me from an a+ is this paper. The only thing keeping me from this paper is the topic.
Consciousness vs. Unconsciousness
yeah, there I go with my deep self, except that i dont wanna talk about this. I am daily I still consciously do things that are how should I say stupid. Yea thats the right term. Then I feel stupid because I know better, no rather I feel desperate. How can I be desperate? I am a strong black female, I can take on the world and still stand. Then why can't i look in the mirror and like who I see. my consciousness is eating me.

It is so

As I sit here at this NCTF events, I can't help but to rejoice in two things. The first is that I truly believe that God knows best, he knows what's best for me & second is that grace can spend the rules. This is a new year and I thank God for the opportunities that are going to present themselves. In kissing new yearsyy good bye I learned that 2008 was the year that I learned to trust Gofyyully. Last year my friend V presented her belief that some things that happened to her her unfair, unexplainable and not for her best. I was bothered by that because I was unable to explain to her just why untrue. And reviewing the events of my life I can say that all events lead somewhere. They are preparing you for where God ultimately wants you to go. Whetuher or not you get the lesson isuup to you. It is sometimes fun but more often it is painful. The reason for that is because nothing seems to grab our attention quiet like pain. So here's to all the pain, hurt, regret, frustration, anger and fear. The word is true all things work together for the good of those who love the Lord and are called according to his purpose. I Am Called !!!!!!

release, release, release

Getting it all out

Alright I think its best that I say it and then move on. I really loved him, though I had a funny way of showing it. I wonder did he know... I mean I shit*@ on him so how could he? So I had my reasons right? Wrong, he was good to me, I was hot in the a*@ and he was locked up. He though I was a ride or die chick, which I was just marching to the beat of my own drum. His death has allowed so much to resurface. Feelings that I had buried and forgotten about. But, mainly it helped to admit that I spent many years in a relationship that wasn't worth it. I tried so hard and for so long to make that thang work. I mean I left my man when he was locked up to hook up with duke, how would I have looked if it didn't work out? Stupid. Only that now that it did not work out after all these years, I may not look stupid but I feel dumb as hell. Pride is something else. It has taken me eleven years and a death to realize that it is better to swallow your pride and start over then continuing on the wrong path. And, it is not that I live under the illusion that me and him would have worked out. It's just that so much time could have been saved. Now he'll never know that I loved him, and was only trying to sleep in the bed I made.

End of year drama

This year is really going out with a bang**"*. My son school has gone bankrupt. So I am looking for someplace to send him come January. My school taking about how I should have taken math already, n its next semester won't cut it. And my BD is incompetent. I am so discombobulated that I cant tell if I'm coming or going. So I know what I want for christmas. I want peace in the midst of my storm. I want something too calm me as these storms of life rage around me. I wish he was tall, strong, and sweet. Now if I could wish on a star and have it come true that would be what be my wish. But, this the real world and I need power from on high. Then I remembered it was not until he had finished being tempted that the angels came and ministered to him. So, since I ain't being ministered to then the test ain't over. Whew... Life is something special.

Young Love

Its funny how when you know someone is living a lifestyle that will probably get them killed you are still shocked that it happens. So yeah... He's dead and I'm shocked.. Funny how life turns out. I can clearly see how he was all wrong for me. But, I did him dirty and for that I am sorry. Wish I could have told him.... Young love is something else... I pray that he is resting in peace.