release, release, release

Getting it all out

Alright I think its best that I say it and then move on. I really loved him, though I had a funny way of showing it. I wonder did he know... I mean I shit*@ on him so how could he? So I had my reasons right? Wrong, he was good to me, I was hot in the a*@ and he was locked up. He though I was a ride or die chick, which I was just marching to the beat of my own drum. His death has allowed so much to resurface. Feelings that I had buried and forgotten about. But, mainly it helped to admit that I spent many years in a relationship that wasn't worth it. I tried so hard and for so long to make that thang work. I mean I left my man when he was locked up to hook up with duke, how would I have looked if it didn't work out? Stupid. Only that now that it did not work out after all these years, I may not look stupid but I feel dumb as hell. Pride is something else. It has taken me eleven years and a death to realize that it is better to swallow your pride and start over then continuing on the wrong path. And, it is not that I live under the illusion that me and him would have worked out. It's just that so much time could have been saved. Now he'll never know that I loved him, and was only trying to sleep in the bed I made.

End of year drama

This year is really going out with a bang**"*. My son school has gone bankrupt. So I am looking for someplace to send him come January. My school taking about how I should have taken math already, n its next semester won't cut it. And my BD is incompetent. I am so discombobulated that I cant tell if I'm coming or going. So I know what I want for christmas. I want peace in the midst of my storm. I want something too calm me as these storms of life rage around me. I wish he was tall, strong, and sweet. Now if I could wish on a star and have it come true that would be what be my wish. But, this the real world and I need power from on high. Then I remembered it was not until he had finished being tempted that the angels came and ministered to him. So, since I ain't being ministered to then the test ain't over. Whew... Life is something special.

Young Love

Its funny how when you know someone is living a lifestyle that will probably get them killed you are still shocked that it happens. So yeah... He's dead and I'm shocked.. Funny how life turns out. I can clearly see how he was all wrong for me. But, I did him dirty and for that I am sorry. Wish I could have told him.... Young love is something else... I pray that he is resting in peace.

Life has a funny way

Hey World. As I read my last post I remember the excitment, I was so happy to be going to the Lion King, (it was good). The next day was my little sister' s birthday party it was nice, stayed there till about 12:30am (took my niece out for the first time). I danced, laughed, and joked, even the cab ride home was nice he made two stops and only charged me for one. Got in, took my clothes off, and was laying in the bed with my sissy girl talking about life when the phone call came. And its strange even now because I never answer my phone after 12am. I mean seriously what do phone calls that late mean. It was my baby sis, hysterical my brother stopped breathing.. Now this was not the first time we suffered a scare like this But this time I was truly scared.. And so began the ordeal that would alter my life. My brother's gone. Never did I imagine that I would have to make the decisions I did. Even now questioning did we rush? What should we have done different? Why didn't i go see him more? Do I have a right to grieve? Who would have knew? Surely not I said the cat. Even now the shock of it still hits me and I feel as if, death is so final. So much left undone, so many words left unspoken. I said life is funny because I went from estatic on friday to sad on sunday.. What a crazy weekend... Life is full of surprises I guess it is a box of chocolates....