Getting it all out

Alright I think its best that I say it and then move on. I really loved him, though I had a funny way of showing it. I wonder did he know... I mean I shit*@ on him so how could he? So I had my reasons right? Wrong, he was good to me, I was hot in the a*@ and he was locked up. He though I was a ride or die chick, which I was just marching to the beat of my own drum. His death has allowed so much to resurface. Feelings that I had buried and forgotten about. But, mainly it helped to admit that I spent many years in a relationship that wasn't worth it. I tried so hard and for so long to make that thang work. I mean I left my man when he was locked up to hook up with duke, how would I have looked if it didn't work out? Stupid. Only that now that it did not work out after all these years, I may not look stupid but I feel dumb as hell. Pride is something else. It has taken me eleven years and a death to realize that it is better to swallow your pride and start over then continuing on the wrong path. And, it is not that I live under the illusion that me and him would have worked out. It's just that so much time could have been saved. Now he'll never know that I loved him, and was only trying to sleep in the bed I made.